Like many women I am now faced with the diffciult task of deciding what to do. I have a 3 month old but like many mums I am not in a financial position to stay at home with her full time for the next 7 years. My partner is a student and has just lost his part time job leaving us very tight for money. But a huge part of me hates the thought of going out to work when my little girl is so small. She came as a shock to us and so our entire sitiuation is far from ideal, however I had always planned that when I did have children I would stay at home with them in these early days. Now my partner is telling me I need to get a job and I am horrified at the thought of leaving her. I feel like I only had her yesterday and that I will miss so much of her development. I think part of my reluctance stems from the fact that I didn't have a career when I fell pregnant. My partner and I were taking it in turns to study - I was working in a hotel to support him while he did his degree and then we would swap over. Unfortunately this plan was cut short when Sarah entered the scene. So what are my options? I am not qualified enough to get a nice cushy job and so will probably have to pick up reception style work which is rarely flexible enough to allow me to do a few hours here and there.
I am left wondering how many other mums face this decision. With contradictory advice in the news every day about the effects on children of mums working as opposed to not working who knows what choices we should make. And how do we decide what is best for our own families when we are pressured by society and our loved ones to make choices that we otherwise wouldn't consider? In our household for instance my partner refuses to contribute towards the upbringing of his daughter and to the daily chores not because he is old fashioned but because he is a student and wasn't ready for the responsibility of having a family. When he had a job he felt that the monetary contributions that he made were sufficient and wouldn't even put his rubbish in the bin - merely leaving it on the floor by his desk for me to collect. Now I have not taken this lying down but suffice to say until the maturity kicks in, someone has to do it, but my point is this - like many women modern society has not given me equality but a greater burden. I am now expected to look for a job whilst still doing all the cooking, cleaning and shopping and looking after a 3 month old baby. I will have to make time to express milk for the feeds when I am not here and spend endless hours trying to explain to a twenty year old bloke how to bath, play with and fully stimulate a demanding baby. This to me is far from the lifestyle I aspired to have growing up and is even further from the arrangements we planned when I was pregnant. Yet somehow I feel myself preparing to suck it up, smile and soldier on; and I know I'm not the only one.
So why do so many of us do it? Is it because this one sidedness has become society's warped vision of gender equality, or have we merely lost the will to question it? I was an angry teenager growing up, ranting against the injustice of gender stereotyping and wanting to break housewives free from the shackles of marriage. Yet now I often stop and wonder how I have come to be ironing his jeans or cooking his meals. And why do I take it when he 'tells me off'' for failing to tidy the house to his standards because part of me doesn't want to upset him. There was a time when I wouldn't have even considered making his side of the bed so why have I fallen into this lifestyle. I often feel ashamed when he compliments my cooking because it validates something I don't want to be seen as. The term housewife has even been used towards me as an insult and it hurt. It shouldn't have had that kind of effect. So is society really this messed up? Men scorn women who don't work but many are not prepared to take some of the 'housewifely' responsibilities. Equally many women are reluctant to work when they have young children at home but do now want to be seen as outdated housewife figures. And on top of this what kind of role model should we be setting our children?
It seems to me that whatever choice I make it will not be the right one for someone. But I truly believe that whatever choice I do make, I need to be happy with it. Maybe its about time women started being honest because at coffee mornings with other full time mums I hear a lot of denial and whole lot more sheer rubbish. So come on ladies, start asking yourself that scary question ... What do I REALLY believe I should be doing? and more importantly "What do I WANT to do?"
